1st Diary : 16th February

Today was not that special.
What I do just helping my sister pick up her daughter and then I just watching some Korean reality show, I eat and then I frustrated why I can not consistent in diet. Like that. Everyday.

But, there's one thing that makes this day different with other day.
I got quarrel with my boyfriend.
In my opinion is :
You always talking about your work, your job. Everyday.
When we meet.
While we chatting in Whatsapp
While we chatting and face each other
While we were eat
While we were on a motorcycle
Almost everywhere and everyday.
Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable because I need something like "our time".
Talking about us not just you.

Why I can't just say honestly what I feel to you??
Because I'm afraid
I'm afraid you will say that "OK, I will never ever talking about that again"
It's not what I meant.
You can talk about your job but please understand me..
I don't want to hear that everyday even if we don't see each other you still talk about your job.
Understand me.

But our quarrel didn't stay long.
He said sorry but he feel uneasy because I never told him honestly what I'm feeling
Finally, he just said that he want to sleep and calm himself down
Because he mad right now.

So, what about me?
Ah, it's okay lah.
I try to understand
Don't you understand me?
I need to talk to you longer.
But, maybe you can't understand me.

Letter To Mom

Dear Mom,
How are you? Where are you now? What are you doing right now?
Is it weird if I ask question like that? Because really I don't know where are you, what are you doing and how's your condition right now.
But, from your status in facebook it seems that you're alright until now.
So happy to see that.

Thank you for everything you've done in my life until now.
Thank you.
I write this post maybe because right now I'm feeling alone.
Instead of calling you I choose to post this.
Do you realize that we are being awkward when we see each other?
Do you realize we are not being chitty chatty again when we see each other?
Do you realize I'm not that comfortable around you when you're here?
Do you realize that I'm broken heart right now?
Do you realize that I always crying in the middle of the night because of you?
I'm so selfish.
I just think about myself.
So sorry about that.

I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. They all already getting married. How about me?
Do you realize how lonely I am right now?
Maybe not.
People think I have such a perfect life. But, I am not.
I hate to check or just open my Facebook, Instagram, Path account because I feel so lonely when I see my friends is travelling the world, having a good time and the worse thing is I see them with their both parents. Oh so sad right?
But it's okay.
My boyfriend said that I'm not okay at all.
Oh wait, he knows.
Yes, my boyfriend know all of my struggles, how lonely I am and how broken heart I am right now.
Cause, the only person I wanna share about everything is him.
And I love communicating with God.

Mom, it's okay.
If you love to travelling and try something new.
It's okay. Do it.
You said that you have family out there who accept you whatever you want to do.
I'm happy to hear that.
Maybe because you're hurt so much in your previous life so you ran away.
It's okay for me.

Mom, I'm okay if you're wondering how well I am.
I feel it's better alone.
I love it.

So sorry if I'm not that comfortable when you're around.
Because something doesn't seem right and I don't know what it is.
I'm so sorry.
And one thing again.
I''m so sorry for not calling you.
Cause simply I don't have interesting thing to share about and I don't know what should I ask you or what should I tell you.

So this is my selfishness mind.

From your depressed daughter, Septia.

Wondering.

I've been wondering so much. I've a lot of question in my head. Why is this happen? Why was I born with this family? Why I have mother and father like that? Why can not I live like my friends that have perfect family, perfect life and can get everything they want?

In other cases all I know now is I have one thing, one person, one spirit that love me so much. He is Jesus.
I've been wondering so much why I have to pray. God knows everything. He knows my past, present and future. He knows when will I get a job, where will I work and who's my future husband.
So why I have to pray?
He design everything in my life.
Why?

One day, I got an answer for my question. Why does I have to pray if God all-knowing.
And the answer bring me to tears.
Until several days ago I never realize how much God loves me, I never believe God loves me that much because my life was such a damn terrible.
Until now I'm still unemployed.
I don't have much money just to get a new pair of glasses.
I don't have much money like my friends all of there who's happy to travel around the world and never think about getting a job.

The answer for the question is God loves me. Even if He knows everything, He wants to talk to me, He wants to communicate with me. I am such a pleasure for Him and how stupid I am never realize that.
For all my question I got the answer. Why I am still unemployed (I will explain it in the next post) and etc.
I got the answer from Pastor Joseph Prince.
He is such a lovely pastor and he change my mind, he change my perspective about God.
God is our father, everything He has I have too. How great it is.

Yesterday I have a thing. In my pocket I just have Rp 160.000,- and I have to survive until 25th February. How can that be?
But my sister ask me "Septia, can I borrow some of your money? I'll pay back this night" and I ask "How much?" she said "150.000".
It's morning and I have to go to church, I didn't get my breakfast yet but I give the money to her.
and simply pray to God " God, I don't know what should I eat this morning and later at night, I have 10.000 left and I will give it for the church, I believe in You and You'll manage it, I will not worry about everything"

And thanks God, I got my breakfast because I still have left money from my boyfriend and later at night my sister gave me food. That's how perfect my God is. He even works in a small things that I can't imagine of.

I start to love God and I hope will love Him more and more.
I miss God beside me, feeling His presence inside my heart.